


The Sleeping Ugly

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-01
Updated: 2006-04-01
Packaged: 2019-02-02 04:21:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12719547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: SG-1 take Disney and mangle it beyond all recognition.





	The Sleeping Ugly

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Language.  


* * *

Exactly what is _that_ supposed to mean? 

_C'mon Jack, you're not exactly Brad Pitt._

I'll have you know that quite a few of the opposite sex think I look distinguished. 

_What do you want the title to be - 'The Sleeping Distinguished-Looking Guy'?_

That'd be acceptable. 

_*Sigh* Okay..._

THE SLEEPING DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING GUY

_Happy now? I mean, its not like 95% of the world's female population think you're the hottest think they've ever seen and are just panting to get their grubby hands on you._

Somehow, I doubt that 95% of all women think Brad Pitt is the most gorgeous hunk of man they've ever seen. 

_No, I guess it'd be more like 98% for him._

Who do the other 2% lust after? 

_Patrick Stewart._

Ew, that old guy from Star Trek? God... 

Um, sir, as scintillating as this conversation is, I think we should probably get a move on with the story. 

Why? 

You'll find out as we go along. 

_Okay Sam. Everyone else ready?_

Hang on Dr Jackson, we can't find Teal'c. 

_Can't find him? How can you_ miss _him? Its not like he's Peewee Herman or anything._

Maybe he's gone off to do something more interesting - like scrub the toilets. 

I'm sure he'd have a field day with that Colonel O'Neill... Especially with the number of bathrooms around the base. 

He'd be there for years... 

_Hang on, I can see him com... Oh dear_ LORD _!!!_

Teal'c what are you supposed to be? 

I am a fairy O'Neill. 

Uh, I think you've got the wrong kind of fairy in mind. 

My costume is incorrect? 

_Well, you got the wings right._

But the sequinned hot-pants and matching boots are a little off the mark. 

I will go change. 

_No time Teal'c. You'll just, uh, have to go like that._

I thought we were supposed to be naturopaths? 

_I must've forgotten to tell Teal'c. Oops._

No kidding. Well, at least we know who we can take to Sydney for the Mardi Gras next year. 

No offence sir, but that's sick. 

Hey, don't you want to see the rest of his float? 

_Enough Jack. We've already fart-arsed around-_

Excuse me? Where'd you pick up a phrase like that? 

_I've been watching a bunch of tapes an Australian friend sent me. Can we_ please _get on with it?_

I'm ready if you are. 

_Thank you. Once there was a famous general who wished to have a child-_

Was the general male? 

_Yes._

Then no wonder he couldn't have a kid. 

_If you'd let me finish... Who wished to have a child with his_ wife. 

Sorry. 

_I should think so. After they'd tried everything possible, they decided to consult with a trio of naturopaths who lived in the nearby forest._

Actually, Dr Jackson, it says Rocky Mountains National Park on our business cards. 

A bunch of naturopaths living in a national park have business cards? 

Doesn't everybody nowadays? 

_Uh, quite, Dr Warner. Soon, with the help of the three naturopaths, the general's wife fell pregnant and nine months later, gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. Uh, that's you Jack._

No shit Sherlock. 

_Jack, babies don't swear._

Yes, well I'm a special baby. 

*Snigger* You're not kidding about the special thing sir. 

Carter, I'm warning you... 

_Okay Jack, enough talking, you're supposed to be a baby..._

Googoo, gaagaa. 

What'd you do? 

_I made him behave like a baby Dr Fraiser. Nothing more._

Oh look, he's drooling! 

That's not all he's doing... Pee-yew! 

I will change O'Neill while DanielJackson continues with the story. 

_Uh, thanks Teal'c. To celebrate the baby's birth, the General organised the biggest clambake that Colorado had ever seen-_

Why didn't we get General Hammond to play the part Daniel? 

_It's mostly me talking, if people wouldn't keep interrupting me! Now I know how Jack felt when we did Rapunzel._

Sorry. 

_That's okay Sam. Everybody for miles around attended this party, including the three naturopaths - Teal'c, Dr Fraiser and Dr Warner._

Um, excuse me? 

_Yeah Dr Fraiser._

Why did you make Teal'c a naturopath? Why not another of the bases doctors? 

_I didn't want make him the bad guy in this one. Besides, you're the only two doctors I know on the base. Anyways, everyone was having a whale of a time, what with all the free booze the general had provided, and were nice and hungry by the time the seafood was served. Just to show his appreciation, and in addition to the exorbitant paychecks he'd given them, the general made sure that the three naturopaths were served the biggest lobsters you were ever likely to see._

Whoah. 

I second that. Where'd you get these? 

_Freddie's Fresh Fish Foodstall._

Try saying that three times quickly. 

I don't think I'll bother Major Carter. I want to eat my lobster. 

_Right, well, everyone had just sat down to stuff themselves with various types of fish when an old quack doc-_

HATHOR!!! 

_Uh, but you lot knew she was in this._

We were trying to be dramatic DanielJackson. 

_Oh._

Fools, you will pay for this indignity! Jaffa, kree! 

_Goooooooooooo!!!!!_

Daniel, I think the colonel wants to say something. 

_Oh, right. Um, which one was it?_

Jaffa, _KREE!!!!_

Can you shut her up Dr Jackson? 

_One second... There, that should work._

*************!!!! 

That's _much_ better. 

That is acceptable DanielJackson. 

_Okay, now to make Jack talk..._

Daniel Jackson, you are a dead man!!! 

_That worked. Settle down Jack._

Settle down? _Settle down?!?_ I'll settle you in a second!! I thought Hathor was dead!!! 

Actually, she was only snap-frozen by her dip in the cryogenic solution. It was no problem thawing her out. 

Just like beans. 

_I tried to get Apophis, but Sokar'd only let me have him for an hour tops. And Heru'er was off gallavanting around the galaxy someplace..._

But... _Hathor?_

Don't worry colonel, she's being refrozen after we're done. 

I'd prefer you threw her off a tall cliff, personally. 

**********!!!!!!!!!!! 

_Can we get on with it? The character is meant to be stroppy, but threatening our existance is a bit too much._

Sorry Daniel. 

Sorry Dr Jackson. 

_Okay, well, the quack doctor was more than slightly upset at having been left off the guest list so, to avoid a scene, the General plunked her down at a table and made sure she was also served with a lobster. But she noticed that her's wasn't as big as those of the naturopaths, and it was at this point she-_

**********! 

_Lost-_

**********!! 

_It-_

**********!!! 

_Completely. Can someone tie her to a chair please?_

I will do as you ask DanielJackson. Is that better? 

********************!! 

_Much. I didn't like the color her face was turning. In return for this insult, she leapt to her feet and lay a curse on the baby. On his ........ bir-_

What was that? I couldn't hear you. 

_I said, on his ........ birthday._

Still couldn't hear you. 

_What could go wrong?_

You tell us and we'll all know. 

_Wait a minute! Jack, have you been fiddling around up here?_

Maybe. 

What'd he do Daniel? 

_He put on a selective block. When I say ........ you guys don't hear anything._

Don't you just love modern technology Carter? 

Absolutely sir. Don't worry about it Daniel. 

_*Sigh* Okay, but I wish you wouldn't touch anything! On his birthday, the boy-_

Aren't I going to get a name? 

_It's Aurora in the story. You_ want _to be called that?_

No, but you could think of something else. 

_Okay then... When Ralph rea-_

Ralph? 

_Live with it Jack, my brain's so fried now that I can't come up with anything else. When Ralph reached his birthday, he would be struck in the, ahem with a hockey puck-_

I don't think I need to guess where he means. Ouch! 

_And this would result in him snuffing it._

By hitting me in the, family jewels? 

_Well, you've got to admit, that is pretty close to your brain._

_DANIEL!!!_

_Who said revenge isn't sweet?_

Me. Get on with it before I give into my urge to pulverise you. 

_Tut, tut Jack. You'll have to learn to control your temper. Anyways, right after Hathor the quack had finished threatening innocent children, the smallest naturopath stood up. That's you Dr Fraiser._

Gee Dr Jackson, you don't say. Um, I think I might need a milk crate or something so I can see over these two. 

_Done._

Never fear general, rather than dying (even though he probably deserves it), Ralph will instead fall into a deep coma. 

By a hockey puck hitting me in the love bundle? 

You really should get over that Colonel O'Neill. 

But, its supposed to be a spindle or something! 

_You think that's more likely?_

I guess you've got a point. Okay, I'm going to cop a puck in the goolies on my birthday. Sweet. 

_And together the three naturopaths, who side-lined as Wicca, worked a little natural magic to make sure that Ralph wouldn't kahk it._

So Teal'c, you done anything with your spellbook lately? 

_Jack, please?_

Sorry. 

_Anyways, things went swimmingly for Ralph until he reached his ........ birth-_

Why do you keep trying to say it? You know it won't work. 

_I live in hope. When he got to the un-aforementioned birthday, Hathor the duck... Uh, quack, disguised herself as one of those famous hockey-playing types that have more muscles than brains-_

Love the padding. Red really goes with the shade of her face. You sure that rope'll hold? 

Yes sir. Teal'c used that steel cable they use to hold up telephone repeaters. 

Good to hear. 

_Jack please!_

*Sigh* Sorry... again. 

We wouldn't have this problem colonel if you'd just shut up. 

Sorry Dr Warner, but whenever Daniel starts to talk I have this overwhelming feeling that I have to interrupt before he starts getting technical. 

_Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, again, the quack dressed up like a hockey player and convinced Ralph that a hockey game would be in his best interests._

**********!!!!! **********!!!!! 

_Like that. Being a bit of a Norman, he went along with the plan._

What's a Norman DanielJackson? 

_It's generally used to refer to the people's that invaded Great Britain... Um, it means he's a bit thick._

You'd better believe it. *Snigger* 

Sir! 

_Not that kind of thick, though that'd boost your ego no end._

Crap. 

_When the game had progressed slightly, Hathor took aim and whacked the puck into a particularly sensitive area of Ralph's anatomy..._

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO _OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!_

Is it normal for his face to go that colour doctors? 

It is if you've just stopped a hard object with your groin. 

I'm getting sympathy pains already. 

Warner, you get sympathy pains just watching male gymnasts do the splits. 

I tell you, it isn't natural for a man to be able to do that. 

_CAN WE GET ON WITH IT?!?!? I'M IN AGONY HERE!!!_

_Jack, you're meant to be in a coma._

I'll put you in a coma if you don't watch your ste... *Splat* 

How'd you do that Daniel? 

_I love this control panel!_

Boys and their toys Sam, boys and their toys. 

Agreed Janet. 

_Now, while this was happening, a lovely, young, talented and intelligent-_

Thank you Daniel. 

_Who says I was talking about you?_

I do. That and it's in the script. 

MajorCarter, why are you always the hero in these tales? 

The word's heroine, Teal'c, and I suppose it's because the writer's believes that women are better than men. 

_[I don't actually think women are better than men - just smarter, better looking, more intelligent, friendlier, brainier, have more common sense, are better drivers... Okay, I think women are better than men - Author]_

_You always get the fun jobs._

Don't pout Daniel, it really doesn't look good on you. 

_Yeah, well. This young lady who happened to be walking past saw Ralph collapse like a sack of potatoes and came to the rescue._

What happened to the hundred year sleep? 

_This is the Disney version. Aurora wasn't asleep for a hundred years in that one either._

That's right. I watched it with Cassie the other week. 

How is she? 

Great, got herself a boyfriend last week. 

_Ahem, that doesn't have much bearing on the story, even though I'm as interested as the next person. Besides, Hathor's starting to go purple in the face._

Hey, I had a dress that colour once. 

_Good for you Sam. The young lady, who was called Sam strangely enough, put Ralph into the recovery position. While she did that, she noticed how totally *Snigger* distinguished he looked._

Actually, I'd say butt-ugly right now. White isn't his shade. 

_Instead of running off for a doctor like a normal person would-_

I'd say most people would be more inclined to panic and start running around in little circles. 

_That too. Instead of calling the paramedics, Sam got this strange urge to snog Ralph, even though he was a complete stranger and could've had any sort of disease._

I can't believe I'm doing this... 

I can't believe you're doing this. 

Thanks for the vote of confidence Janet. 

Hey, just doing my job. 

DanielJackson. 

_Yeah Teal'c?_

I believe the author is what is termed as a 'shipper. 

_That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest... She's always trying to get me to cop off with this original character of hers, in between pounding Jack with big sticks._

_[Daniel was immediately admitted to a psychological observation unit after the completion of this story because of his delusions that I was trying to get him to cop off with anyone. She's just his friend for pity's sake! - Author]_

Do I have to Daniel? 

_Yeah, I don't have any way around it. Sorry for putting you through hell and all that._

***** The next section has been edited because the idea of Sam kissing Jack is totally barfworthy because we all know that he's perfect for Daniel... ***** 

Yeuch, it's like kissing a dead fish! 

Hey! I'll have you know that I'm quite good at that sort of thing when I'm not unconscious! 

_Well, as everyone can tell, the Sam's kiss managed to snap Ralph back into the real world with amazing success. Jack, would you stop looking offended?_

She said I was a dead fish! 

I said it was like kissing a dead fish. 

Whatever you say Rex. 

MajorCarter's name is not Rex. 

It should be if she knows what it's like to kiss a fish. 

Actually... 

_Enough guys! We're nearly done here!_

Hey really? Woohoo! 

_Why do you say that?_

Because I've got better things to do than be compared to a fish. 

Get over it colonel. 

_Ditto. In conclusion, when Ralph woke up from being a dead fish Sam noticed how much more distinguished he looked._

Are you gonna keep going on about that? 

_You were the one who said it. And decided she wouldn't mind getting to know him better..._

Gee, three months of watching hockey tapes. How thrilling. 

May I remind you that I'm your superior officer _major_? 

Sir, in this particular realm, no-one really cares. No offence or anything. 

*Sigh* Thinks she can save a man's life and then walk all over him... 

Be happy colonel, at least she's left it until now. 

Believe me Warner, I'm eternally grateful for that fact. 

Hey! 

_And so they all lived happily ever after... Except for Hathor who was refrozen and left for a hundred years until some nut with a death wish decided that reanimating her would be fun._

That didn't involve any kissing, did it? 

_Well, there is something written in the margin about him getting his tongue stuck to a rather large block of ice..._

I _really_ don't want to touch that. 

_Me either. Well, that's it!_

Thank heaven for small mercies. 

Agreed colonel. By the way, you're scheduled for a full physical today. 

*Groan* Great. What a way to round off the day. 

_Gee, you're a poet and you didn't know it._

You're not funny Daniel. Lead on McFraiser. 

What do we do now? 

_Um, anyone up for a game of poker?_


End file.
